Wallflower ...

There is a girl who follows me. Don't worry, I don't see dead people. This is not that kind of blog, but there is a girl who follows me. She's followed me ALL my life. I don't remember when she showed up, she's just been there for as long as my memory serves. She's my little redheaded freckle faced self. Little Michelle, she's everywhere, around every corner, on my heels at all times. Following me around, taunting me with her sassy little mouth. I try to shake the little brat, but she knows me pretty well and she follows me.

In my youth, somehow, despite two incredibly loving parents, I began to form a very negative view/voice of and about myself. I can't point to a specific time and tell you THAT'S when it started. I wasn't abused, I wasn't really bullied to any extreme degree. It just happened and from that unknown moment, as a very young girl, little Michelle began to follow me.

I'm NOT alone we ALL have our "littles". Little insert your own name here, you have them and I see them following you. Do they taunt you? Haunt you? Enable you? Disable you? Validate you? Strengthen you? It's likely different for each of us. So far in my life? Little Michelle has taunted big Michelle. What else would I expect from the sassy little thing??? She's such a brat, especially when she's tired! Right mom and dad? She's taunting me as I write my little running blog. She follows me.

She followed me into junior high. Probably the lowest point in my life, with no adult coping skills, I can remember thinking the world would be better off without me. WHERE THE HELL that came from, again, I simply do not know. I just remember feeling like little Michelle a chubby girl in a mini sumo wrestler/gymnast body. I was bigger than all the other girls, developed first, slightly mouthy, bossy and picked last. You know all that "HORRIBLY tragic" stuff. There she was following me.

In high school, I never really had a prom, Christians don't DARE dance. Yet, I know enough about them to KNOW I was the wallflower. Pretty, thinner than I thought (THIN IS IN) and planted ROCK SOLID against that wall!! There are four groups of littles and a high school prom describes them perfectly. The "prom court" littles, some of whom became today's leaders and some who peaked as the prom KING and QUEEN. The "dance floor" littles (aka the crowd) complete with a mixture of nerds, jocks, goths, etc. ALL of them TRYING to be INDIVIDUALS but really just blending into one BIG dance floor.

The wallflower littles, we weren't brave enough to DARE touch the dance floor or popular enough to GOD FORBID find ourselves on the prom court with their crazy littles. Male and female, wallflowers found their own successes, but not "prom court league" success. My successes: yearbook, plays, singing and history bowl. The STUFF that MAKES a wallflower. FINALLY, we have "the outback pot smoking littles", some of whom became todays leaders and some of whom peaked on a drug high. We all know them and they were havin' a "GOOD TIME". All four groups had obvious littles following them. It was in high school that little Michelle got a name change. She shall be called ... Wallflower. She followed me.

Wallflower had followed me ALL my life. NEVER believing she was good enough, INSPITE of a faith that tells her she is a child of GOD. Again, I'm not alone. EVERYONE has a little that follows them. While everyone's little isn't a MOUTHY as wallflower (she doesn't shut up), their little is following them. Following them when they believe they just are NOT good enough for the job. Following them when they HAVE to make the BEST score. Following them when they are trying to find a "team" they fit on, but they don't know how, they were always picked last for the team. Following them, telling them they have to be the BEST mom AND a MILF. Following them, reminding them they are STILL single (and yes, Honey boo boos mom is married). Following them, telling them they need MORE, MORE, MORE ... whatever. Somewhere in the journey of life, the little becomes insecurity. It's EVERYWHERE and very OFTEN disguised as a confident person who is NO MORE than their "little" wearing a mask.

At the ripe old age of 29, Wallflower FOUND RUNNING and things began to change. EVER SO PAINFULLY SLOWLY, wallflower is losing ground. I SAW it yesterday in the INSPIRATIONAL and ill fated Boston Marathon. No matter how badly the runner up tried, how HARD they ran they could NOT catch the winner!! Wallflower will not be the winner of this marathon. Our "littles" as humans should NEVER win. Unless of course your little was a WAY better person and well.... that's ANOTHER blog.

The MORE I experience the GIFT God gave me called running with ALL it's ups and downs, the more the taunting, haunting voice of little Michelle fades. She fades as I run farther from her toward a goal and a finish line I can not yet see. I can't hear her now calling me fat, ugly, not good enough and whatever else she can think of. I'm running and she is fading. She's following me, but I can't see her so clearly now...

As I've said before in this blog. The GIFT of running and health was AGAIN brought to my attention because of BOSTON. I'm NOT there yet, she's still trying. I still feel inadequate at times, but I'm gonna keep running away from her literally and figuratively. THANKFUL, AGAIN, for legs that can run!! Recently, someone told me people see me as fragile. BAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAA! They don't know the STRENGTH of a wallflower, we stood ALONE against the wall a LOT!!! Yet, somehow we made a life. She's following me, but I can't see her so clearly now...

AGAIN, I am NOT alone. We all face this in the journey called LIFE! What does your little say? What will shut your little up? Make them fade away? Stop your insecurity? Get YOU to your goal and finish line?

She's following me, but I can't see her so clearly now ...

Find your running ...