Wallflower ...

There is a girl who follows me. Don't worry, I don't see dead people. This is not that kind of blog, but there is a girl who follows me. She's followed me ALL my life. I don't remember when she showed up, she's just been there for as long as my memory serves. She's my little redheaded freckle faced self. Little Michelle, she's everywhere, around every corner, on my heels at all times. Following me around, taunting me with her sassy little mouth. I try to shake the little brat, but she knows me pretty well and she follows me.

In my youth, somehow, despite two incredibly loving parents, I began to form a very negative view/voice of and about myself. I can't point to a specific time and tell you THAT'S when it started. I wasn't abused, I wasn't really bullied to any extreme degree. It just happened and from that unknown moment, as a very young girl, little Michelle began to follow me.

I'm NOT alone we ALL have our "littles". Little insert your own name here, you have them and I see them following you. Do they taunt you? Haunt you? Enable you? Disable you? Validate you? Strengthen you? It's likely different for each of us. So far in my life? Little Michelle has taunted big Michelle. What else would I expect from the sassy little thing??? She's such a brat, especially when she's tired! Right mom and dad? She's taunting me as I write my little running blog. She follows me.

She followed me into junior high. Probably the lowest point in my life, with no adult coping skills, I can remember thinking the world would be better off without me. WHERE THE HELL that came from, again, I simply do not know. I just remember feeling like little Michelle a chubby girl in a mini sumo wrestler/gymnast body. I was bigger than all the other girls, developed first, slightly mouthy, bossy and picked last. You know all that "HORRIBLY tragic" stuff. There she was following me.

In high school, I never really had a prom, Christians don't DARE dance. Yet, I know enough about them to KNOW I was the wallflower. Pretty, thinner than I thought (THIN IS IN) and planted ROCK SOLID against that wall!! There are four groups of littles and a high school prom describes them perfectly. The "prom court" littles, some of whom became today's leaders and some who peaked as the prom KING and QUEEN. The "dance floor" littles (aka the crowd) complete with a mixture of nerds, jocks, goths, etc. ALL of them TRYING to be INDIVIDUALS but really just blending into one BIG dance floor.

The wallflower littles, we weren't brave enough to DARE touch the dance floor or popular enough to GOD FORBID find ourselves on the prom court with their crazy littles. Male and female, wallflowers found their own successes, but not "prom court league" success. My successes: yearbook, plays, singing and history bowl. The STUFF that MAKES a wallflower. FINALLY, we have "the outback pot smoking littles", some of whom became todays leaders and some of whom peaked on a drug high. We all know them and they were havin' a "GOOD TIME". All four groups had obvious littles following them. It was in high school that little Michelle got a name change. She shall be called ... Wallflower. She followed me.

Wallflower had followed me ALL my life. NEVER believing she was good enough, INSPITE of a faith that tells her she is a child of GOD. Again, I'm not alone. EVERYONE has a little that follows them. While everyone's little isn't a MOUTHY as wallflower (she doesn't shut up), their little is following them. Following them when they believe they just are NOT good enough for the job. Following them when they HAVE to make the BEST score. Following them when they are trying to find a "team" they fit on, but they don't know how, they were always picked last for the team. Following them, telling them they have to be the BEST mom AND a MILF. Following them, reminding them they are STILL single (and yes, Honey boo boos mom is married). Following them, telling them they need MORE, MORE, MORE ... whatever. Somewhere in the journey of life, the little becomes insecurity. It's EVERYWHERE and very OFTEN disguised as a confident person who is NO MORE than their "little" wearing a mask.

At the ripe old age of 29, Wallflower FOUND RUNNING and things began to change. EVER SO PAINFULLY SLOWLY, wallflower is losing ground. I SAW it yesterday in the INSPIRATIONAL and ill fated Boston Marathon. No matter how badly the runner up tried, how HARD they ran they could NOT catch the winner!! Wallflower will not be the winner of this marathon. Our "littles" as humans should NEVER win. Unless of course your little was a WAY better person and well.... that's ANOTHER blog.

The MORE I experience the GIFT God gave me called running with ALL it's ups and downs, the more the taunting, haunting voice of little Michelle fades. She fades as I run farther from her toward a goal and a finish line I can not yet see. I can't hear her now calling me fat, ugly, not good enough and whatever else she can think of. I'm running and she is fading. She's following me, but I can't see her so clearly now...

As I've said before in this blog. The GIFT of running and health was AGAIN brought to my attention because of BOSTON. I'm NOT there yet, she's still trying. I still feel inadequate at times, but I'm gonna keep running away from her literally and figuratively. THANKFUL, AGAIN, for legs that can run!! Recently, someone told me people see me as fragile. BAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAA! They don't know the STRENGTH of a wallflower, we stood ALONE against the wall a LOT!!! Yet, somehow we made a life. She's following me, but I can't see her so clearly now...

AGAIN, I am NOT alone. We all face this in the journey called LIFE! What does your little say? What will shut your little up? Make them fade away? Stop your insecurity? Get YOU to your goal and finish line?

She's following me, but I can't see her so clearly now ...

Find your running ...

Birthday Blog (The Gratitude Blog)

So ... write a blog about birthdays and running one month after my birthday and a week after my last run (I worked a lot, don't judge me). I never do things the normal way so it makes sense. Birthdays and running, they make a gal think. Perhaps reflect is a better word. I reflect about happy things, sad things, bad things, mad things, glad things. I reflect on all sorts of things. This is what happens to the deep thinking, analytical mind on it's birthday and on a run...

Next, become distracted and stop writing my birthday blog until AFTER Thanksgiving:) I have been running though and that's just me, the slow, distracted runner girl. The slow, finally proud (of my slowness), distracted and now GRATEFUL runner girl. It's not like I suddenly discovered gratitude. My daddy is a preacher, I grew up on the "milk" of gratitude. SUDDENLY though, gratitude has been heavily on my mind, especially during my runs. I'm happy because it's replacing such HEARTBREAKING things that had been on my mind.

Thanks to the passing of another birthday, a fantastical Thanksgiving and running, I have been reflecting on that for which I am SO VERY grateful. Another birthday has passed and I'm still weird. Thirty seven, no husband, no kids ... weird. YET, the family I do have, many others would give anything to have. I don't have a husband, never have had a man who had my back. Yet, that's NOT true, the father I have, always has and ALWAYS will and my heavenly Father, has it more than any human ever could. When I think of the father or husband I could have?? I am grateful for my daddy and my single status, even if the road to this place has caused great pain.

My reflections on gratitude extend to my job, which has been a roller coaster ride for myself and MANY MANY others. I'm not in the military and you want me to work in a ... TENT?? This is NOT a camping trip and you want me to use a port-a-pot?? A tent it was and I struggled through it with my second "family" and we survived. I thought I may lose my hair a few times when the velcro (that held said tent together) caught my ponytail, but we survived even if the tent tried to scalp us. Fast forward to our BEAUTIFUL "snap together" hospital and I am so grateful to have real walls to work within. Grateful to have a job when I've watched my own father search for a year to find one.

I have increasing gratitude for my HEALTH. I have legs and lungs that can run!! I watched my friend Jenny, young (32?), beautiful, husband and kids (not weird) battle breast cancer this year. She walked through it like it was a beautiful field of flowers, with a grace I am ashamed to say I do not possess. She's AMAZING!! I read an article in my favorite magazine, Runners World. The article about and man and his wife training to run a marathon together until the cruelest of diagnoses, ALS, was handed to his wife. Not to be stopped, he will push her the FULL 26.2 miles and they will "run" their marathon together. My work shows me DAILY the gift of HEALTH!! Rarely a run goes by that I don't reflect on how lucky I am to have big legs that run slowly. When thoughts of those struggling with their health come to mind; I am BEYOND thankful for my short, slow, "field plowing" legs :)

Just this past week, the attitude of gratitude extended to my MIND. My busy mind, accused of dwelling and thinking to much. I became grateful for that mind as I cared for an Alzheimer's pt and his wife. He's a "Worlds Greatest Grandpa" type. A tall, fairly young, handsome, strong and essentially healthy man that looked at me with fear and distrust in his eyes. As I tried to assure him he was safe, for a moment he believed me. In the next moment he couldn't remember what I'd said. His disease is at it's worst point. He still at times knows his mind failing and he was SCARED. I saw true fear and confusion in his big brown eyes. The eyes of his wife were not scared but TIRED. The handsome man who'd always had her back was now trying to hurt her. The love, grace and class this woman displayed AMAZED me!!! She's my hero!

I have thought of them many times this week and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for this busy, busy mind of mine. They may say many bad things about it but what the HELL do "they" know?? :) God made this over thinking mind of mine and for it, I'm grateful . It remembers hurtful things FAR to easily but hopefully it will make me less inclined to be hurtful. It remembers the times I have BEEN the person to cause the hurt to the point of guilt, but I want to remember so I don't make those mistakes again. It remembers WAY to much to a fault!! Yet, it helps me write this little blog. If my rookie writing does ONE thing, I hope it encourages, just as my favorite blogs/writers encourage me!! It REMEMBERS, loves, hurts, hopes, thinks and thinks and thinks. It REMEMBERS the sad, fearful brown eyes of man losing his mind and I'm SO grateful that mine hasn't betrayed me.

Running, the GIFT of running makes me grateful for my blessings. I reflect on those blessings when I run. It gives me such ADMIRATION for those around me who's battles and hurts inspire me and remind me of the gifts God has given me. What story would your gratitude blog tell?

Find your running ...

" It was just a building"

It was just a building and the final section of her fell not that long ago. A building, it's war torn carcass that had become a sad visual reminder on my runs. A reminder of a war in the form of mother nature and her EF-5 tornado. It was just a building ...

I knew that building as a little girl. From mom's station wagon as very young child, my little green eyes would stare up at the building . My little red head would think, "I'm gonna work in that big hospital one day." That building was SO BIG in my small world.

I knew that building as a young woman. I was just nineteen when I entered her walls to learn to become a nurse. I was in that big building now. I had a big red head now (some might say huge). I was going to learn to become a nurse in that building. It was just a building ...

I knew that building as a big sister. Again, just nineteen, my MOM was pregnant (that's a whole OTHER blog) and we welcomed baby Jillian in that building. I was in clinicals that day. I was learning to become a nurse in that building. I heard the music, the lullaby they always play. I remember excitedly proclaiming the birth of my new sibling and running away from clinicals to meet her. It occurs to me only now how strange the situation must have appeared to my instructors.

I knew that building as a very young nurse. I dreamed of a critical care job and watched the helicopter land time after time, all from a break room window in that building. I decided I would work in her ICU and fly in her helicopter one day and I did. I worked countless hours, attended countless classes, made numerous friends and acquaintances, fell in love and lived, actually lived for twenty four hours at a time in that building. It was just a building ...

I knew that building as a runner. In my earliest running days I logged countless miles on the track just east of the building. As my running progressed, I ran farther from her but I could always see her on the run back home. Her bathrooms and water fountains saved me on a run or two. Silly as it may seem, her presence was a strange comfort.

I knew that building as she died. I saw her through the stunned green eyes of a now grown woman on the night of her death. There may have been some hope at first, could we save her? In the end we could not, she was to broken. She was just a building...

She is not just a building. She's a centerpiece in the table of my life. She is a symbol. A symbol of strength. She all but refused to come down. They worked for MONTHS to finish what an EF-5 tornado could not finish. She is an example of how we can build our life, watch it flourish and watch it's destruction. Yet, if we are to keep living, with God guiding our ever SO WEAK steps we rebuild again. Whatever our path has been, whatever mountains and valleys we've had to conquer and endure. We build, we live, we flourish (we hope), we survive destruction, we rebuild.

She's not there when I run anymore. That is WAY weird. I will get used to that right? After all, she was just a building ...

Find your running.

Depressing Daze ...

It's amazing how a person, an event, maybe a few people or a series of events can make you feel SO SMALL and unworthy. Difficult events in life can take you to places you didn't know existed in your mind. You begin to look back and wonder what happened? Were you bad in another life? Did you sow one to many bad seeds and now it's reaping time? Is it even WORTH trying to be a decent person? Questions we ALL ask at one time or another.

There are no answers to some pain on this side of heaven. I wonder why? I ask God why. I ask God why while running. When I'm trying to run away from that SMALL unworthy person I don't want to be. Some people, the Holy Joe's and Jane's of the world slap on a smile and slay the devil with their verbal swords. They never seem to give notice to the times they feel small, beaten down and unworthy. I watch them in amazement and wonder where that kind of strength comes from.

Where is my strength? How do I slay the devil? The "devil" here being feelings of pain and unworthiness. Yet, I believe in the same all powerful God the "holies" do. I know all the verses."I can do all things through Christ ..." "I am God's workmanship..." The Lord is my rock ..." Yet, I do not walk around in a superhero suit slaying the devil with my verbal sword.

Lightbulb??? I run .... that MAY just be where I wave my "sword"? A year ago? Life seemed perfect and then life kept happening. Life heaped upon life heaped upon life just started to wear this girl down. LIFE has weighed HEAVILY on so many in the past year. PAIN, deep pain has tortured me and others I love so dearly.

So, I run. I thank God for blessings. Not with that plastered on life can't get me "holy jane" smile. I thank him through tears, sweat and miles. I thank HIM for feeling small. I'm starting to thank him for words, people and events that made me feel small and unworthy. I thank him always that my small, unworthy legs CAN run. Thank HIM that my heart and brain can feel and comprehend feelings of pain, smallness and unworthiness.

A favorite preacher of mine once said, "don't despise the days of SMALL beginnings". It's true. They do MUCH for you. When you feel you will never get past the "devil" that is your mountain. That's probably when you ARE!!! These feelings teach you. Teach you to be thankful, teach you to PRAY you never make another human feel these feelings. Feeling these things, fighting this devil, enables you to fight along side those who feel the same way. Those who can't yet plaster on that smile; those who don't have that verbal sword.

These feelings make me and others human. Being human allows us to be loved by an amazing GOD. A God who accepts us in our small, unworthy state. HE accepts us even when we CAN'T see HIS blessings and when we feel he forgot us. He gives us outlets to HEAL and make us feel worthy. HE enables us help others feel whole and worthy.

Yes, that all came from ONE run :) So, I will keep running, learning to "wave my sword". Learning to run past small and unworthy. Find your running ...

3 days

I worked out THREE days this week! I got in two work outs today, a run and some weight lifting. I was feeling quite amazed with me until I looked at my training log from last year. It was ... ummmmmmm ... nearly empty. My running was critically ill last spring and pronounced dead after the tornado last May. The log with it's bare pages, made me wonder why we stop?

Why do we stop anything? Especially things that make us who we are. Why do we stop eating right? Working out? Being friends? Loving? Reading? Writing? Singing? Doing things we love? I have no answers, only thoughts that I rant about in this blog. The good thing with stopping is you can always start again.

I've started again. Enough to get me out in freezing temps! Let me tell ya, a run in the cold?? Well, two things will happen. You will be impressed with your extensive vocabulary of expletives and you WILL feel alive. Your body will work HARD to warm you up and you will feel the air in your lungs and KNOW you are alive!!

GOD did give us this life to grab by the balls and LIVE!!! SO, I start again. I have a friend who wants to run with me! Haven't had that for a while. In May? A 5k! Exciting since I haven't run a race since October 2010. It had been a very regular part of my life so I am looking forward to welcoming it back. I'm reading again as well, my favorite blogs and all kinds of books that open my eyes to the world.

Have you stopped something that makes you, well, you? Why? Find your running ...

A breakup ...

A gut wrenching heartbreak. A change in the way your future looks, it's a great diet and a great way to kick start a running program that has been lagging. Lagging as mentioned before since F5!! I still don't know what happened to my running love that May day. I just know running has been a struggle ever since.

The breakup sidelined me yet again. Maybe it wasn't the breakup, perhaps it was just the PROFOUND sadness that came over me in having to "do the breaking". That sadness combined with running through the streets of my still BROKEN town. Yet, one day, you wake up and you feel just a little better and the (slow) runner inside you feels like trying again.

I did a run/walk/limp ok, ok ... crawl thing two days last week. It felt good, the hope I felt back in November is still there and even more so. More houses are going up, beautiful houses. I wonder as I run (ok ...crawl) by about the excited anticipation the owners must feel!! Hope after the utter devastation of their lives last May.

My beloved hospital (my home away from home) is days away from the start of the demolition process! Long overdue, the pain I feel in seeing her go? She needs to go, so the future can be built, so the pain of seeing her can go away. So ultimate healing can begin for her employees. That will bring hope to my run as well. The decades old building I could once only see on certain routes? She is now a carcass of painful memories. I can see her standing at some point in my run, no matter which route I take.

What an analogy for "you can't run from the past". However, you can run, walk, limp or even crawl toward the future with hope. There may be tears streaming down your face and deep pain in your heart but you can. My hope is to be ready for the first 5K I ever ran, I want to run it again in May!! Maybe I can add to the sixteen pound weight loss from the breakup. There is ALWAYS a silver lining. Today I will crawl on and find my running.

72 hours ...

That's ALL it takes to start losing cardiovascular fitness. LOL! Try almost five months. At five months? Your body will chew you up and spit you out like you're the worst thing it ever tasted. It's looks at you like your parents did when you were REALLY bad. It will ask you, "how do you live with yourself ?" However, just like your parents, teachers and preachers. Once it's done punishing you for all your months of misbehavior, your body will take you by the hand and move you forward.

The consequences for your sins will be GREAT!! Your legs will burn, your hips will ache and your butt will jiggle. Your lungs?? They would yell help if they could. Your will stop FOUR times in a 2.5 mile run to stretch. Your dog? She will look at you with HATE in her eyes. You've given her almost five months off and she is tired. She will look in longingly in the direction of home many times. Yet, somewhere during your run, you will channel something you can't explain. It's your spirit, the uummpphh that makes you take another step forward. Your spirit includes the memory of NYC marathoners that inspired you just hours ago. The spirit makes you feel like your running just like the winners of that marathon, even when your limping along, praying for an ambulance to come by.

Along your run? You will see, "EARL WAS HERE". It will be spray painted on driveway in a lot that once had a house. You will laugh. You will think of the spirit Earl had and you will run on aching and burning all the way. Find your running...