It's amazing how a person, an event, maybe a few people or a series of events can make you feel SO SMALL and unworthy. Difficult events in life can take you to places you didn't know existed in your mind. You begin to look back and wonder what happened? Were you bad in another life? Did you sow one to many bad seeds and now it's reaping time? Is it even WORTH trying to be a decent person? Questions we ALL ask at one time or another.
There are no answers to some pain on this side of heaven. I wonder why? I ask God why. I ask God why while running. When I'm trying to run away from that SMALL unworthy person I don't want to be. Some people, the Holy Joe's and Jane's of the world slap on a smile and slay the devil with their verbal swords. They never seem to give notice to the times they feel small, beaten down and unworthy. I watch them in amazement and wonder where that kind of strength comes from.
Where is my strength? How do I slay the devil? The "devil" here being feelings of pain and unworthiness. Yet, I believe in the same all powerful God the "holies" do. I know all the verses."I can do all things through Christ ..." "I am God's workmanship..." The Lord is my rock ..." Yet, I do not walk around in a superhero suit slaying the devil with my verbal sword.
Lightbulb??? I run .... that MAY just be where I wave my "sword"? A year ago? Life seemed perfect and then life kept happening. Life heaped upon life heaped upon life just started to wear this girl down. LIFE has weighed HEAVILY on so many in the past year. PAIN, deep pain has tortured me and others I love so dearly.
So, I run. I thank God for blessings. Not with that plastered on life can't get me "holy jane" smile. I thank him through tears, sweat and miles. I thank HIM for feeling small. I'm starting to thank him for words, people and events that made me feel small and unworthy. I thank him always that my small, unworthy legs CAN run. Thank HIM that my heart and brain can feel and comprehend feelings of pain, smallness and unworthiness.
A favorite preacher of mine once said, "don't despise the days of SMALL beginnings". It's true. They do MUCH for you. When you feel you will never get past the "devil" that is your mountain. That's probably when you ARE!!! These feelings teach you. Teach you to be thankful, teach you to PRAY you never make another human feel these feelings. Feeling these things, fighting this devil, enables you to fight along side those who feel the same way. Those who can't yet plaster on that smile; those who don't have that verbal sword.
These feelings make me and others human. Being human allows us to be loved by an amazing GOD. A God who accepts us in our small, unworthy state. HE accepts us even when we CAN'T see HIS blessings and when we feel he forgot us. He gives us outlets to HEAL and make us feel worthy. HE enables us help others feel whole and worthy.
Yes, that all came from ONE run :) So, I will keep running, learning to "wave my sword". Learning to run past small and unworthy. Find your running ...
