Birthday Blog (The Gratitude Blog)

So ... write a blog about birthdays and running one month after my birthday and a week after my last run (I worked a lot, don't judge me). I never do things the normal way so it makes sense. Birthdays and running, they make a gal think. Perhaps reflect is a better word. I reflect about happy things, sad things, bad things, mad things, glad things. I reflect on all sorts of things. This is what happens to the deep thinking, analytical mind on it's birthday and on a run...

Next, become distracted and stop writing my birthday blog until AFTER Thanksgiving:) I have been running though and that's just me, the slow, distracted runner girl. The slow, finally proud (of my slowness), distracted and now GRATEFUL runner girl. It's not like I suddenly discovered gratitude. My daddy is a preacher, I grew up on the "milk" of gratitude. SUDDENLY though, gratitude has been heavily on my mind, especially during my runs. I'm happy because it's replacing such HEARTBREAKING things that had been on my mind.

Thanks to the passing of another birthday, a fantastical Thanksgiving and running, I have been reflecting on that for which I am SO VERY grateful. Another birthday has passed and I'm still weird. Thirty seven, no husband, no kids ... weird. YET, the family I do have, many others would give anything to have. I don't have a husband, never have had a man who had my back. Yet, that's NOT true, the father I have, always has and ALWAYS will and my heavenly Father, has it more than any human ever could. When I think of the father or husband I could have?? I am grateful for my daddy and my single status, even if the road to this place has caused great pain.

My reflections on gratitude extend to my job, which has been a roller coaster ride for myself and MANY MANY others. I'm not in the military and you want me to work in a ... TENT?? This is NOT a camping trip and you want me to use a port-a-pot?? A tent it was and I struggled through it with my second "family" and we survived. I thought I may lose my hair a few times when the velcro (that held said tent together) caught my ponytail, but we survived even if the tent tried to scalp us. Fast forward to our BEAUTIFUL "snap together" hospital and I am so grateful to have real walls to work within. Grateful to have a job when I've watched my own father search for a year to find one.

I have increasing gratitude for my HEALTH. I have legs and lungs that can run!! I watched my friend Jenny, young (32?), beautiful, husband and kids (not weird) battle breast cancer this year. She walked through it like it was a beautiful field of flowers, with a grace I am ashamed to say I do not possess. She's AMAZING!! I read an article in my favorite magazine, Runners World. The article about and man and his wife training to run a marathon together until the cruelest of diagnoses, ALS, was handed to his wife. Not to be stopped, he will push her the FULL 26.2 miles and they will "run" their marathon together. My work shows me DAILY the gift of HEALTH!! Rarely a run goes by that I don't reflect on how lucky I am to have big legs that run slowly. When thoughts of those struggling with their health come to mind; I am BEYOND thankful for my short, slow, "field plowing" legs :)

Just this past week, the attitude of gratitude extended to my MIND. My busy mind, accused of dwelling and thinking to much. I became grateful for that mind as I cared for an Alzheimer's pt and his wife. He's a "Worlds Greatest Grandpa" type. A tall, fairly young, handsome, strong and essentially healthy man that looked at me with fear and distrust in his eyes. As I tried to assure him he was safe, for a moment he believed me. In the next moment he couldn't remember what I'd said. His disease is at it's worst point. He still at times knows his mind failing and he was SCARED. I saw true fear and confusion in his big brown eyes. The eyes of his wife were not scared but TIRED. The handsome man who'd always had her back was now trying to hurt her. The love, grace and class this woman displayed AMAZED me!!! She's my hero!

I have thought of them many times this week and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL for this busy, busy mind of mine. They may say many bad things about it but what the HELL do "they" know?? :) God made this over thinking mind of mine and for it, I'm grateful . It remembers hurtful things FAR to easily but hopefully it will make me less inclined to be hurtful. It remembers the times I have BEEN the person to cause the hurt to the point of guilt, but I want to remember so I don't make those mistakes again. It remembers WAY to much to a fault!! Yet, it helps me write this little blog. If my rookie writing does ONE thing, I hope it encourages, just as my favorite blogs/writers encourage me!! It REMEMBERS, loves, hurts, hopes, thinks and thinks and thinks. It REMEMBERS the sad, fearful brown eyes of man losing his mind and I'm SO grateful that mine hasn't betrayed me.

Running, the GIFT of running makes me grateful for my blessings. I reflect on those blessings when I run. It gives me such ADMIRATION for those around me who's battles and hurts inspire me and remind me of the gifts God has given me. What story would your gratitude blog tell?

Find your running ...

" It was just a building"

It was just a building and the final section of her fell not that long ago. A building, it's war torn carcass that had become a sad visual reminder on my runs. A reminder of a war in the form of mother nature and her EF-5 tornado. It was just a building ...

I knew that building as a little girl. From mom's station wagon as very young child, my little green eyes would stare up at the building . My little red head would think, "I'm gonna work in that big hospital one day." That building was SO BIG in my small world.

I knew that building as a young woman. I was just nineteen when I entered her walls to learn to become a nurse. I was in that big building now. I had a big red head now (some might say huge). I was going to learn to become a nurse in that building. It was just a building ...

I knew that building as a big sister. Again, just nineteen, my MOM was pregnant (that's a whole OTHER blog) and we welcomed baby Jillian in that building. I was in clinicals that day. I was learning to become a nurse in that building. I heard the music, the lullaby they always play. I remember excitedly proclaiming the birth of my new sibling and running away from clinicals to meet her. It occurs to me only now how strange the situation must have appeared to my instructors.

I knew that building as a very young nurse. I dreamed of a critical care job and watched the helicopter land time after time, all from a break room window in that building. I decided I would work in her ICU and fly in her helicopter one day and I did. I worked countless hours, attended countless classes, made numerous friends and acquaintances, fell in love and lived, actually lived for twenty four hours at a time in that building. It was just a building ...

I knew that building as a runner. In my earliest running days I logged countless miles on the track just east of the building. As my running progressed, I ran farther from her but I could always see her on the run back home. Her bathrooms and water fountains saved me on a run or two. Silly as it may seem, her presence was a strange comfort.

I knew that building as she died. I saw her through the stunned green eyes of a now grown woman on the night of her death. There may have been some hope at first, could we save her? In the end we could not, she was to broken. She was just a building...

She is not just a building. She's a centerpiece in the table of my life. She is a symbol. A symbol of strength. She all but refused to come down. They worked for MONTHS to finish what an EF-5 tornado could not finish. She is an example of how we can build our life, watch it flourish and watch it's destruction. Yet, if we are to keep living, with God guiding our ever SO WEAK steps we rebuild again. Whatever our path has been, whatever mountains and valleys we've had to conquer and endure. We build, we live, we flourish (we hope), we survive destruction, we rebuild.

She's not there when I run anymore. That is WAY weird. I will get used to that right? After all, she was just a building ...

Find your running.

Depressing Daze ...

It's amazing how a person, an event, maybe a few people or a series of events can make you feel SO SMALL and unworthy. Difficult events in life can take you to places you didn't know existed in your mind. You begin to look back and wonder what happened? Were you bad in another life? Did you sow one to many bad seeds and now it's reaping time? Is it even WORTH trying to be a decent person? Questions we ALL ask at one time or another.

There are no answers to some pain on this side of heaven. I wonder why? I ask God why. I ask God why while running. When I'm trying to run away from that SMALL unworthy person I don't want to be. Some people, the Holy Joe's and Jane's of the world slap on a smile and slay the devil with their verbal swords. They never seem to give notice to the times they feel small, beaten down and unworthy. I watch them in amazement and wonder where that kind of strength comes from.

Where is my strength? How do I slay the devil? The "devil" here being feelings of pain and unworthiness. Yet, I believe in the same all powerful God the "holies" do. I know all the verses."I can do all things through Christ ..." "I am God's workmanship..." The Lord is my rock ..." Yet, I do not walk around in a superhero suit slaying the devil with my verbal sword.

Lightbulb??? I run .... that MAY just be where I wave my "sword"? A year ago? Life seemed perfect and then life kept happening. Life heaped upon life heaped upon life just started to wear this girl down. LIFE has weighed HEAVILY on so many in the past year. PAIN, deep pain has tortured me and others I love so dearly.

So, I run. I thank God for blessings. Not with that plastered on life can't get me "holy jane" smile. I thank him through tears, sweat and miles. I thank HIM for feeling small. I'm starting to thank him for words, people and events that made me feel small and unworthy. I thank him always that my small, unworthy legs CAN run. Thank HIM that my heart and brain can feel and comprehend feelings of pain, smallness and unworthiness.

A favorite preacher of mine once said, "don't despise the days of SMALL beginnings". It's true. They do MUCH for you. When you feel you will never get past the "devil" that is your mountain. That's probably when you ARE!!! These feelings teach you. Teach you to be thankful, teach you to PRAY you never make another human feel these feelings. Feeling these things, fighting this devil, enables you to fight along side those who feel the same way. Those who can't yet plaster on that smile; those who don't have that verbal sword.

These feelings make me and others human. Being human allows us to be loved by an amazing GOD. A God who accepts us in our small, unworthy state. HE accepts us even when we CAN'T see HIS blessings and when we feel he forgot us. He gives us outlets to HEAL and make us feel worthy. HE enables us help others feel whole and worthy.

Yes, that all came from ONE run :) So, I will keep running, learning to "wave my sword". Learning to run past small and unworthy. Find your running ...

3 days

I worked out THREE days this week! I got in two work outs today, a run and some weight lifting. I was feeling quite amazed with me until I looked at my training log from last year. It was ... ummmmmmm ... nearly empty. My running was critically ill last spring and pronounced dead after the tornado last May. The log with it's bare pages, made me wonder why we stop?

Why do we stop anything? Especially things that make us who we are. Why do we stop eating right? Working out? Being friends? Loving? Reading? Writing? Singing? Doing things we love? I have no answers, only thoughts that I rant about in this blog. The good thing with stopping is you can always start again.

I've started again. Enough to get me out in freezing temps! Let me tell ya, a run in the cold?? Well, two things will happen. You will be impressed with your extensive vocabulary of expletives and you WILL feel alive. Your body will work HARD to warm you up and you will feel the air in your lungs and KNOW you are alive!!

GOD did give us this life to grab by the balls and LIVE!!! SO, I start again. I have a friend who wants to run with me! Haven't had that for a while. In May? A 5k! Exciting since I haven't run a race since October 2010. It had been a very regular part of my life so I am looking forward to welcoming it back. I'm reading again as well, my favorite blogs and all kinds of books that open my eyes to the world.

Have you stopped something that makes you, well, you? Why? Find your running ...

A breakup ...

A gut wrenching heartbreak. A change in the way your future looks, it's a great diet and a great way to kick start a running program that has been lagging. Lagging as mentioned before since F5!! I still don't know what happened to my running love that May day. I just know running has been a struggle ever since.

The breakup sidelined me yet again. Maybe it wasn't the breakup, perhaps it was just the PROFOUND sadness that came over me in having to "do the breaking". That sadness combined with running through the streets of my still BROKEN town. Yet, one day, you wake up and you feel just a little better and the (slow) runner inside you feels like trying again.

I did a run/walk/limp ok, ok ... crawl thing two days last week. It felt good, the hope I felt back in November is still there and even more so. More houses are going up, beautiful houses. I wonder as I run (ok ...crawl) by about the excited anticipation the owners must feel!! Hope after the utter devastation of their lives last May.

My beloved hospital (my home away from home) is days away from the start of the demolition process! Long overdue, the pain I feel in seeing her go? She needs to go, so the future can be built, so the pain of seeing her can go away. So ultimate healing can begin for her employees. That will bring hope to my run as well. The decades old building I could once only see on certain routes? She is now a carcass of painful memories. I can see her standing at some point in my run, no matter which route I take.

What an analogy for "you can't run from the past". However, you can run, walk, limp or even crawl toward the future with hope. There may be tears streaming down your face and deep pain in your heart but you can. My hope is to be ready for the first 5K I ever ran, I want to run it again in May!! Maybe I can add to the sixteen pound weight loss from the breakup. There is ALWAYS a silver lining. Today I will crawl on and find my running.